while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
