So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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