doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
