So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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