I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You did what with his pubic hair?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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