Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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