im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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