the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
