My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?