i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
