Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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