The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
