So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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