I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Terrible idea I love it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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