Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
and you said cock pushups were impossible
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
