Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
