My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
