Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
