I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
