I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
