dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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