tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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