Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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