why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
