dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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