just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
