Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
