I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
