yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
