don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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