You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
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Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
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He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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