Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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