If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
