just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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