We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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