he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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