True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
