1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
