So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
