Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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