The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
