Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
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They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
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THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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