Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
