I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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