R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
