Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
