There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
