I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
