Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
