Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
