If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
