What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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