I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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