I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
