I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
