Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
