If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I think I just sharted jello shots
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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